roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
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McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
“Why you watching this shit?”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller