me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
You Might Also Like
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on