6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
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Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*