The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
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People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Yes my dude
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.