SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
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“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
do what now??
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.