[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
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The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨