My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
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At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms