If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
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I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Oops
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good