What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
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I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
He-man has a Masters degree
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal