HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
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Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
True freaking story!