My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
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thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
happy friday
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.