The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
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I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
no!! no!!!!!!
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.