My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
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I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.