In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
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Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
#FunnyLife Insects
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?