It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
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What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.