Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
You Might Also Like
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.