You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
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the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.