Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
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I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
This anagram machine is out of order.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
#Caturday
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.