~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
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Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris