Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
You Might Also Like
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble