my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
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[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I know
This is a bad sign
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
this could fix me
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.