If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
You Might Also Like
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Get in loser we’re going crying
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.