2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
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Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.