Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
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what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
12. I think about this all the damn time
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance