A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
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If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Selfie
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.