Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
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The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Great Canadian literature.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?