My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
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[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
reviewed some movies recently
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry