BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
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[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
beware of dog
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.