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I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
My time has come.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!