Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
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First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I mean…but I did
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
What even happened today?
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.