I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
You Might Also Like
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?