The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
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[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?