If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
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Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.