My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
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[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
fixed it
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall