Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
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“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Happy Caturday!
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)