Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
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Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Hit me in the face with a bird
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]