welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
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We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
This came to me in a dream.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot