And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
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The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.