If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
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GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I’m not lazy
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok