me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
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“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol