Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
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Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.