It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
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Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.