*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
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“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
This could be us but you eatin’
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?