Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
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ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
My last name is Zilla.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”