I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
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Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
rapatouille
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win