My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
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also my go-to takeaway order
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Happens to everyone.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip