Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
You Might Also Like
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
plant them where lol
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff