I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
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Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.