It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
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*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Just this preview of the story is enough
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…