Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
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Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?